| >> |
!Taxif57b8c 12/14/11(Wed)14:11 No.32326528>>32326340
K, couple things.
Firstly, to anyone not immediately familiar with the reference you're attempting in the method of your writing, this will come off as incredibly amateurish. Even to me, cognizant of the source material, it was a bit off-putting. Just because you're going for a minimalistic approach doesn't mean you have to give us "Spot the Dog" quality in the description. Pace the formatting a bit more, and try maintain that 'matter of fact' statement quality while still giving substance to thoughts and details.
I'm not sure that the vessel of introduction in the form of a party is a good place to take the narrative. An isolated or surrealistic approach to the first-person story here makes a great deal more sense - there's weight in thrusting a normal and unassuming character into a completely absurd juxtaposition of fanficul exuberance, but it's not executed very well in the method you've set out with. I'd consider restricting the story completely to the inner thoughts and contemplations of Johnathan as he wanders through town, or to play up the differences between his minimalistic thought process and the insanity of Ponyville going on outside his head.
Obviously needs a bit more elaboration, but try to focus on the elements that make the story interesting, even if those elements are inherently 'uninteresting' for the sake of the storytelling. Rather than just progressing the linear narrative, feel free to amble with the informatrion you're imparting, and focus on the parts that you feel make it worth reading.
Also, needs a couple sweeps for technical stuff, but other than that you should keep going forward, with the above suggestions in mind. |
