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!Taxif57b8c 08/04/11(Thu)06:58 No.28371411>>28371391
>>28371298
Ugh.
Okay, I'm usually a pretty pleasant guy, but fanfic is the exception, and that was... possibly iredeemable. It's set in the second person, which, as I already mentioned, is usually terrible - but then it comes out in like the third chapter that the 'you' is Luna? This is SO unecessary, really. I don't need to be a character to experience their emotion...
If your description or situational narrative was a bit better, this still could have worked, but as it was the flow of the story was so disjointed that I found it hard to grasp on to even a moment of inward speculation before the scene changed, and what was being offered was so cliche it wasn't really worth trying to analyze in the first place.
Your writing, technically, needs a lot of work. Many of the sentences were awkward, the language was very juvenile and didn't provoke any kind of emotional response as a virtue of that. The formatting choices were also odd - where you chose to insert dialogue was inconsistent, the formatting for that dialogue changed in each instance, it makes it very hard to get a grasp of how the piece is supposed to be read.
And, finally, the subject matter of the piece itself is cliche and uninspired. That's not to say that you can't take the idea of a fiction written from Luna's perspective and make it interesting, but a second person disjointed mess is not the way to do that. If you want this concept to grow and become something worth re-reading, tuck it away until you feel your writing can do it justice, or refine the fuck out of what you have now.
sorry if this sounds like needless ranting and criticism, but I don't think, if that is indicative of the whole of your work, that you're ready for any type of major publishing or criticism. Go check out one of the friendlier review threads on ponychan, read some of the many guides to getting started in writing fanfiction, and do some daily writing exercises for a while. |
