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03/09/11(Wed)20:10 No.24159388>>24158641
M'kay, so, after a quick read-through, here are the things that stand out to me:
1. There is far too much infodumping. I understand you need to set up the backstory but right now there is just so much of it that it simply pulls the reader out of the story. I take it that this is supposed to be a longer piece, a chaptered story perhaps, so I would think the best thing to do would be to space out most of the backstory and setting throughout later chapters so that you can both focus on what's happening now and give the reader an incentive to keep reading to figure out just what the hell is going on.
2. This is basic but you tell more than you show. Instead of telling us how nervous the characters are it'd be a lot easier if you showed it through their actions. For example, instead of saying, "Both looked uncomfortable in the darkness,", maybe show that they keep glancing over their shoulders or something to that effect. Also don't get too reliant on adverbs such as "nervously" when you do this.
3. You use a lot of dashes. This may just be your style, but right now they're more distracting than anything. I think mostly it's because using them indicates a more conversational tone or at least less psychic distance between the characters which doesn't work quite right with the third-person omniscient narration you have here, but also some of them just, well, don't sound right. I'd try replacing some of them with commas or something to see how that goes.
4. "Suddenly, without warning" is redundant, nix it.
Unfortunately I do not have time to read it more indepth and give you a better rate, but I hope some of this helped. Remember, revision revision revision! |
