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!94yMGn.GiE 03/06/11(Sun)21:16 No.24077311>>24076332
From a mechanical standpoint:
It's not very good, but it's not the worst thing I've ever seen.
Real quick a few things:
You switch point of view with no warning, and no paragraph change. I read, and suddenly realise I'm no longer with the same character I was just a few lines ago. This is bad.
The first few paragraphs are full of description in bad need of a tune-up. Just poor grammar and awkward phrasing all over the place.
It gets slightly better later, but still in need of work.
There are other errors, like why it's called "Happy Apple Acres" or why lanterns are going "out" once night begins.
What's with the "The next week" line? That's awful.
Anyway, just a few observations on the mechanics.
Actual content wise, I have no opinion. I was uninterested the whole time, so obviously this story isn't for me. |